You're not alone. In a pilot survey for a 2023 study by the researchers Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk, 77% of people admitted they'd accepted an invitation to something they didn't want to attend, because they worried about what would happen if they said no.
That's the everyday shape of a boundary problem. Not a dramatic confrontation, just a long series of small yeses that you didn't mean.
What a boundary actually is
The word gets used loosely, so it helps to be precise. A boundary is a decision about what you will do. It isn't a rule for what someone else must do.
| Sounds like a boundary, but is really a demand | An actual boundary |
|---|---|
| "You can't call me after 9pm." | "I don't answer calls after 9pm. I'll get back to you in the morning." |
| "Stop shouting at me." | "If the shouting continues, I'm going to leave the room. We can talk when it's calmer." |
| "You need to stop asking me for money." | "I'm not able to lend money any more. I'm happy to help you look at other options." |
The difference matters because you can't control other people, but you can always control your own response. A boundary framed around your behaviour is one you can actually keep.
A boundary isn't a wall you build around someone else. It's a line you agree to hold yourself.
That also explains a common misuse. "My boundary is that you can't see your old friends" or "my boundary is that you dress differently" isn't a boundary. It's an attempt to control someone, wearing therapy language.
Why saying no feels so dangerous, and isn't
Givi and Kirk ran five experiments with more than 2,000 people. People turning down an invitation consistently expected the person who invited them to feel angrier, and to be less likely to invite them again, than those inviters actually reported. They also overestimated how much the inviter would dwell on the refusal itself.
The study looked at small everyday invitations, like dinners and outings, so it isn't a licence to turn everyone down forever. But the lesson generalises: the imagined cost of a polite "no" is usually much larger than the real one.
How to set one without drama
1. Decide first, in private. Most boundary fights happen because people decide in the moment, under pressure. Work out beforehand what you will and won't do.
2. Say it short and warm. One or two sentences. "Thanks so much for thinking of me. I can't make it this time, but I'd love to see you soon." No essay required.
3. Don't over-explain. A popular rule of thumb is not to "JADE": justify, argue, defend or explain at length. Every extra reason is something the other person can argue with ("But you could just leave early!"). A brief reason is fine; a legal brief isn't.
4. Repeat, calmly, if pushed. The "broken record" technique from assertiveness training: restate the same sentence, kindly, without adding new reasons. "I know. I still can't make it."
5. Follow through. If you said you'd leave the room when shouting starts, leave the room. A boundary you don't keep teaches people it isn't real.
At work
Work is where many boundaries erode, especially around messages after hours. Some countries now write this into law. France's "right to disconnect" took effect on 1 January 2017, requiring larger employers to negotiate rules on after-hours contact. Australia passed its own version in 2024. Wherever you work, the same principle applies: say what you'll do ("I check messages until 6pm and first thing in the morning"), and then actually do it consistently. People adjust to patterns faster than to speeches.
When it's harder than this
Some relationships don't respond to calm, clear boundaries: people who keep punishing every "no," or who use anger, guilt or threats to override you. That isn't a communication-skills problem, and you don't fix it by finding better wording. If someone consistently ignores your boundaries, the useful question becomes how much contact you want with them at all.
The takeaway
A boundary is a decision about your own behaviour, not a rule for someone else's, which is why it's something you can always keep. People routinely overestimate how much a polite "no" will hurt a relationship. Decide in advance, say it briefly and warmly, skip the long justifications, repeat calmly if pushed, and follow through. If someone keeps punishing your boundaries, that tells you something important about the relationship.
Try this: think of one small yes you keep giving that you don't mean. Write your boundary as a sentence that starts with "I" and describes what you will do. Then say it, once, the next time it comes up.
Sources & Further Reading
Sources
- Givi, J. & Kirk, C.P. "Saying no: The negative ramifications from invitation declines are less severe than we think." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2024 (published online December 2023); pilot survey and five experiments (more than 2,000 participants) as described in the American Psychological Association's press release.
- "Broken record" is a standard assertiveness-training technique; "JADE" is a popular self-help rule of thumb rather than a research finding.
- France's right to disconnect (El Khomri law, in force 1 January 2017) and Australia's 2024 legislation: summarised in Wikipedia's "Right to disconnect."
Go deeper
- 📘 Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Glover Tawwab (a therapist's practical guide)
- 🌐 ScienceDaily — "Just say no to that invitation" (from the APA press release)
- 🌐 See also, in this category: Hard Conversations Without the Dread
Sensitive-topic note: if someone uses threats, intimidation, control over your money or movements, or physical harm when you set limits, that is abuse, not a disagreement about boundaries. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233; elsewhere, local domestic-abuse services can help you plan safely. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.