Each could have had all of what they wanted. They just never said why they wanted the orange.
That old parable, told in negotiation classes for decades, carries most of what ordinary people need to know about negotiating. You don't have to be a shark. You don't have to enjoy conflict. You mostly have to get clear on what you actually want, what you'll do if you don't get it, and what the other side really needs.
You negotiate more than you think
Negotiation isn't just for business deals. A pay rise, rent, a phone bill, a car price, a deadline, who picks up the children, where to go on holiday: all negotiations. People who think "I'm not a negotiator" are usually negotiating anyway, just without preparing.
Idea 1: Know your walk-away (your BATNA)
In 1981 Roger Fisher and William Ury of the Harvard Negotiation Project published Getting to Yes, still the best-known book on the subject. One of its most useful ideas has an ugly acronym: BATNA, your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Put simply: what will you do if this deal doesn't happen?
Your BATNA is your real source of power. If you have another job offer, you can negotiate salary calmly. If you have nothing else, you'll take almost anything, and the other side can often tell.
The best way to negotiate a better deal is often to improve what happens if there's no deal at all.
So before you negotiate, work on your alternative: get a second quote, look at other flats, talk to another employer. And estimate theirs. A landlord with an empty flat in a slow market has a weak BATNA too.
Idea 2: Interests, not positions
A position is what someone says they want: "I want the orange." An interest is why they want it: "I want the peel for a cake." Fisher and Ury's central advice is to focus on interests, not positions, because positions clash but interests often don't.
| Position | Possible interest underneath | A deal that might serve both |
|---|---|---|
| "I need £3,000 more in salary." | Feeling fairly valued; covering childcare | A smaller raise plus flexible hours or a review in six months |
| "The rent is going up 10%." | Covering rising costs; avoiding an empty flat | A smaller rise in exchange for a longer lease |
| "I want to go to the beach." | Rest; time outdoors | A quiet lake cabin |
The way to find interests is simply to ask: "What's most important to you about this?" "What would make this work for you?" Then listen (see How to Actually Listen).
Idea 3: The first number has gravity
On price, the opening offer matters. In 2001 the psychologists Adam Galinsky and Thomas Mussweiler ran three negotiation experiments and found that whichever side made the first offer tended to get the better outcome, and that first offers strongly predicted the final price. This is anchoring: the first number pulls everything that follows towards it.
Two practical lessons follow:
- If you know the market well, consider going first, with an ambitious but defensible number. A 2013 study found that precise offers worked as stronger anchors than round ones and drew more conciliatory counteroffers, apparently because precision suggests you've done your homework. Asking for £48,500 can sound more researched than asking for £50,000.
- If they go first, don't let their number set the terms. Galinsky and Mussweiler found the first-offer advantage disappeared when the other negotiator focused on their own target, or on the other side's alternatives and limits. Their number is one piece of information, not the starting point.
Idea 4: Use fair standards, not willpower
Arguments about who wants it more go nowhere. Arguments about what's fair can be settled. Fisher and Ury recommended objective criteria: market rates, published salary data, comparable sales, expert valuations, what was agreed last time. "Based on what similar roles pay in this city…" is far stronger than "I really feel I deserve more." It also lets both sides agree without either one simply giving in.
A few small moves that help
- Ask "How did you arrive at that number?" It turns a demand into a discussion.
- Let silence work. After you make an offer, stop talking. Filling the silence often means bidding against yourself.
- Trade, don't concede. If you give something, ask for something. "I can do that if we can…"
- Be soft on the person, firm on the problem. Friendliness and firmness aren't opposites, and relationships usually outlast the deal.
The honest limits
Getting to Yes has critics. Some argue it underplays deals where one side's gain really is the other's loss, and power struggles where trust isn't possible. The former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss, in Never Split the Difference, argued that its methods fall short in crises, though he still praised much of it. And some negotiations are unfair from the start, because one side holds most of the power. Preparation won't fix that entirely. It will almost always help.
The takeaway
Ordinary negotiation is less about toughness than preparation. Know and improve your walk-away option (your BATNA), and estimate theirs. Look for the interests behind positions, because interests often fit together where positions don't. Remember that first offers anchor the outcome, so open well or anchor on your own target. And argue from fair, objective standards rather than willpower.
Try this: before your next negotiation, big or small, write three lines: "If this fails, I will…" (your BATNA), "What I really need is…" (your interests), and "A fair standard here is…" (your criteria). Then ask the other side what matters most to them before you name a number.
Sources & Further Reading
Sources
- Fisher, R. & Ury, W. Getting to Yes, 1981 (later editions with Bruce Patton): separating people from the problem, interests not positions, options for mutual gain, objective criteria, and BATNA; criticisms summarised in Wikipedia's "Getting to Yes."
- Galinsky, A.D. & Mussweiler, T. "First offers as anchors: The role of perspective-taking and negotiator focus." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2001.
- Mason, M.F. et al. "Precise offers are potent anchors: Conciliatory counteroffers and attributions of knowledge in negotiations." Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 2013.
- The orange parable is a traditional teaching story in negotiation courses; its origin is uncertain.
Go deeper
- 📘 Getting to Yes — Roger Fisher, William Ury & Bruce Patton (short, clear, the classic)
- 📘 Never Split the Difference — Chris Voss (a tougher, more tactical counterpoint)
- 🌐 Harvard Program on Negotiation (free articles on BATNA and everyday negotiation)